Peace

It's almost 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I try and the thoughts of how my life is about to change forever won't go away. I honestly thought the benefits of having your children while you were young is that you would still be reasonably young when they were grown. Like that was the goal...to get them grown and on their own. I never understood that somehow they would become the loves of my life and that one day they would be gone. I mean, I understood the gone part. I always tried to teach them to be independent and resourceful. I wanted them to have wings to fly. Wings greater than my own. Wings that could support them. I guess I just never realized that the day would come so fast,too fast, for them to fly away.Leaving me here on the ground alone. Proud to see them soaring even as my heart aches for them. Maybe if I hadn't been divorced and raised them alone and had someone to share this time with it wouldn't be so devastating to me.Or maybe this is something every mother goes through. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore that I thought I knew.I don't know how to not be a mommy. It's all I've been for my entire adult life. I realize that just because they're leaving the nest doesn't mean they don't still need me, but I also realize that it will never be the same. The days are already gone that we all sat around watching t.v. together or just talking and laughing together. They are still living here, but their lives aren't here anymore. I pray for God's perfect love to cast out this fear of the unknown that is in my heart. I pray for His peace. But mostly I live alone with just my memories. We had so much fun together. We have always been so close and I am feeling the aloneness of their distance;the natural distance that must come. I guess I never prepared myself for how quickly time slips away.I swear just last month they were still boys,goofing around playing video games and always underfoot.
Another aspect of having your kids young is that you are still young. You grow up with them and they become your best friends. Well, if you're a single mom anyways. You also sometimes take it for granted that they will always be little and still being young yourself(and single),you want to have fun and play around with friends your own age. I always put them first,but now I feel like they don't think that. I feel like they think that because I did go out on the weekends and left them with their grandmother that they weren't always on my mind and in my heart,but they were.Regrets. They get you nowhere. You live your life and then you find out that you were never the one in control, While I thought I was prioritizing by spending all of my free time with them during the week, it has now come back to haunt me.All the lost weekends that I can never get back.And I can't say "if I had it all to do over again, I'd do it differently" because I'd still be just a dumb young girl trying to raise my boys with all the love I could give them,but still wanting to party like a rock star on the weekends! Thank God that my Father in heaven reeled me in in time to get them reeled in. They were always good kids, but now people come up to me and tell me how proud I should be of myself for raising such awesome young men of God and it's always a little embarrassing to me because I know all I did was love them. God is the one who directed my steps at just the right time, He is the one that deserves all the glory for how awesome they've turned out. I always tell people that,but they always counter it with "Oh,you don't give yourself enough credit;it had a lot to do with you being a good mom." I never believe that.The only thing I did right was listened when the Lord called my name and followed Him. And loved them both with all my heart. So,is that all being a good mom is? This letting go process is tearing my heart out and it's all I can do to not let them see. To try to only let them see me cheering them on from the ground as they try out their strong young wings.To have a smile on my face if they look back down and never let them know my heart is breaking.How can they soar away freely and happily if they think I'm sad and alone?
So this is what I do. I stay awake crying and writing mournful love letters to my children who will never read them,and praying for peace to flood my heart instead of brokeness.
Because I feel like I've been broken all my life and this is more than I can stand.
But that's not true. I will live through this because I am never alone really;just lonely.Jesus said He would never leave us and I believe that. I guess that if we have our Father's heart then it's natural for it to break sometimes because we spend most of our lives breaking His.It's only when you have a love as deep as you have for your babies that you realize how deep His love is for us.
One day I will dance again. One day soon.
Thank you Lord for your peace....

today is the day

That the Lord has made! We should be glad and rejoice in it!
I really don't have a lot to say right now, I'm having a rare uncreative moment. Most likely the newness of all this is freaking me out a bit! Later when the moon is peaking through the pine trees who are waving hello to the wind I'll probably feel more of the giddy sweetness of words flowing.
But not yet...not yet....
Blessings for now!